Simply Radiant

behind her deep, brown eyes

a love like water and chaos — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 01:59:00 +0000

Something caught my attention. It could have been the way she was nestled into her mother’s side, resting her head against her arm. It could have been the sheer look of exhaustion on her face. Or perhaps, it was the flicker of hope that flashed through her deep, brown eyes when I offered her a smile.

A little girl, probably no older than 10, captured my heart in a split second, and I couldn’t even tell you her first name…or anything about her for that matter. The only thing I know is that she has a story. She is someone’s daughter, someone’s granddaughter, someone’s student, someone’s friend…someone’s hope for a better future.

This morning, I partnered with Empower Ocala through my church, Church of Hope. In the course of seven hours, thousands of bags were filled with groceries for people searching for a tiny sliver of hope in our community. Over 7,700 people walked through those lines, grabbing bags and trying to fill a void somewhere in-between life’s chaos. But what I saw over and over today was the reality that each one of those 7,700 people that I walked by, gave a bag of groceries to, or offered a smile to, has a story.

A brother and sister began to walk towards me, helping their mom carry her groceries. As they walked, they offered big smiles…smiles that held high anticipation that today was going to be a good day. A typical kid would think that a good day was equated to how many games they won on their Wii and if they were able to hang out with their friends or not. These two, however, were happy to get a couple bags of groceries.

Two women were wearing shirts honoring someone who had died. When asked, this precious lady revealed that her son had committed suicide in March of this year. Struggling to support her family and her raw emotions, she came searching for hope. If we wouldn’t have asked, she would have just been another face in the crowd, her story, unheard.

There are stories all around me, every day. From the people I wait in line with at Publix, to the cashier at McDonald’s who hands me a Dr. Pepper…behind each set of eyes is a story filled with deep, abiding joy and unexplainable pain, loss and sadness. The question I’ve been wrestling with as today draws to a close is: did I care enough to see their story? I may not be able to see into all of it, but did I see a glimpse of the bigger picture…a glimpse into the opportunity to share the hope I have in Christ?

Behind that beautiful little 10-year-old’s eyes is a story. She has seen, heard and experienced things that I don’t know. But what I saw in her eyes was extremely familiar to my 20-year-old self. I saw eyes searching for something more than the comfort of her mother’s embrace, something beyond just today. But when she caught my eye, and saw me smile, it was like fresh resolve bubbled out of her as she offered me a smile back. And in that moment, time stopped and I realized that we’re both searching for the same thing: hope. Hope in something eternal, never temporary. Something strong, tested and true. Someone to lift us up, empower us, encourage us. And as I pray for the little girl whose name I don’t even know, I pray that she discovers hope in Christ, just like I did.

running velocitized

a love like water and chaos — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 02:34:00 +0000

I don’t know where I’ll be five years from now, and I’ve been running–or better yet, sprinting–towards figuring that out for the past few months now.

I am becoming a firm believer in the freedom that being truly genuine brings. And so I confess: I don’t have all the answers. The funny thing is, deep down I’ve known this all along, I’ve just tried to trick my brain into thinking I had the answers or at least had the resources to figure them out.

Ever feel like you just, well…don’t have it figured out? You plan as much as you can, but you just still can’t put your finger on where God is leading you. Quite frankly, I’m beginning to learn that’s ok, and perhaps, right where God wants me. (Read my post “Seek Me”)

If I had all the answers figured out, I wouldn’t need to trust Him.

As a college student, it’s overwhelming to not know exactly what you want. In the world of journalism, I’m surrounded by go-getters climbing their way to the top. I look around and see twenty-somethings with a plan–goals and career paths–that they’re confidently marching towards. And I just know one thing: I love writing.

I know what I love doing and have no idea where it will take me, but I am sure of one thing: if I choose to trust God and believe that He does have a plan for my life, I can rest assured that He’ll equip me with everything I need.

It’s time to embrace the stillness of this moment, this time of becoming. It is in these moments that I’m becoming who God has created me to be. When I live my life velocitized, I’m running far too fast to take in all the details–the tiny, seemingly minute things that are shaping and forming me. Right now, in the grand scheme of my entire future, these moments can seem inconsequential; however, they are extremely important because they are shaping me into who I am becoming.

Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe God is good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path. (Shauna Niequist)

it’s time to write for a change

a love like water and chaos — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 02:02:00 +0000

I closed the last page and let out a slow, long breath. One sentence kept resonating within the deepest chambers of my being…a statement that could very well shake my very existence.

I’ve loved reading books since as far back as I can remember. And this week was no exception. I picked up a copy of Kathryn Stockett’s The Help and began reading…little knowing what I would gleam from its pages.

Reading about writers has always inspired me, but this book truly struck me. Close to the beginning, Miss Skeeter’s character stated, “Sure, I dreamed of having football dates, but my real dream was that one day I would write something that people would actually read.” I knew in that instant that I would absolutely love this book.

Writing for me has always been my form of therapy–letting out what I’m thinking and seeing it stand still, concrete, on a fresh white page. It comes as a second-nature to me…almost as easy as breathing. I was always the girl (and still am) that would rather write a 10-page paper than take a test any day. I guess that’s just how my brain works. When I need to really think something through, I write about it. I grab my journal and sort through my thoughts until I’ve come up with a solution. And I always feel fresh after spilling the contents of my mind’s wandering onto paper. As blogger Max Dubinsky says, “Writing is what I know. It is my life. It is my passion.”

Write about what disturbs you, particularly if it bothers no one else. When this piece of advice was given to Miss Skeeter, I literally had to stop reading for a minute and write that statement down. Write about what disturbs you, particularly if it bothers no one else. It caused me to think, and is still making me wonder, what disturbs me?

Typically, when I think of something disturbing, I think of a call to action. I wouldn’t just let something fill me with anguish and disgust and then go on with my day…or would I? Yet we do that every, single day. I drive by the homeless man on my way to class and don’t think twice about where he sleeps at night. I sit next to the girl in class who can’t find any peace at night in the midst of her parent’s arguments, but don’t take the time to notice the scars on her arms as her way of escape. I order my Starbucks latte from a barrista struggling to make ends meet, but I’m just thinking about the tall cup of caramel goodness that I’ll soon have in my hands. Everyone around me has a story. Something that makes them who they are. Everyone that I pass by is someone’s daughter, someone’s mother, someone’s daddy….and I haven’t taken the time to notice, rushing through the pages of my own life.

I’m disturbed.

I’m disturbed at what I’ve become and that I just haven’t noticed. Until now. And trust me, I’m going to write about it.

What is my life worth if it’s just about me? If you ask me, that’s a pretty pitiful existence. 2 Corinthians 6:11-13 says, “The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren’t small, but you’re living them in a small way. I’m speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!” I firmly believe with all that is in me, that God has called and equipped me to a free life–a life filled with loving others will all I’ve got and standing rooted in the truth that God is good and He can be trusted. Galatians 5:13-15 says, “It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life…use your freedom to serve one another in love; that’s how freedom grows. For everything we know about God’s Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That’s an act of true freedom.”

Write about what disturbs you, particularly if it bothers no one else. In other words, I’m writing to call my heart to action. Being disturbed can’t just remain seated on the doorsteps of my life, haunting me with its silence. It’s time to write for a change.

The best stories come from experience. Life gives birth to creativity. I write best when I write what I know. Unfortunately, we live in a world where Beer Pong is considered a sport, and voting for the next American Idol then Tweeting about it until four in the morning is comparable to a hard day’s work. And we wonder why Hollywood keeps giving us remakes and sequels? Looking for inspiration–start living. Really living. (Max Dubinsky, author of Make it Mad)

Galatians 5 goes on to say, “Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives.” I can’t skim through the pages of life, wrapped up on my day’s list. I have to start taking notice…start seeing what is happening right before my eyes in this world that I live in. It’s time to start writing for a change…a change within me, my mind, and what disturbs me the most.

My prayer for this journey of waking up to the stories around me is that, “by your words I can see where I’m going; they throw a beam of light on my dark path. I’ve committed myself and I’ll never turn back from living by your righteous order. Everything’s falling apart on me, God; put me together again with your Word.” (Psalm 119:105-107) A life centered around me is meaningless and forgettable. A life centered on Jesus’ plan for me–well now, that’s life-changing, life-altering, and something I’m willing to stake my entire life on…no turning back.

Come have your way in me, I welcome you here, Lord Jesus.

seek me.

a love like water and chaos — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 03:38:00 +0000

I know what I’m doing and I’m not asking you to figure it out.

Too many of these pages are filled with endless questions–some answered, while many have been left unanswered, untouched, forgotten. Deep regret, remorse, and sorrow fill these coffee-stained, spiral-bound books. Tears of joy and tears of sadness have left their mark. My greatest joys have been documented as little rays of sunshine to help brighten future days. Memories with friends, both old and new, litter the margins. These pages are my story, my life. My hopes and dreams are etched across these journals like the pinks and oranges in a Captiva sunset. It’s breathtaking, awe-inspiring, and too large to wrap your mind around.

I think I’ve been trying to figure God out for far too long.

I’ve heard, and I’m sure I’ve even Tweeted it at some point, the statement, “Let go & let God.” So cliche, yet so catchy. Easy to say, easy to throw out. But, from what I’ve experienced, easy to say (or easy to Tweet) doesn’t necessarily mean easy to live.

Tonight, as I’ve been sitting with my journal, I’ve been trying to hash through several things I have been thinking about a lot lately. One thing that I wrote that stands out to me now is, “I just feel like letting go of everything leaves me with more questions than it does answers. But maybe that’s the point.” Maybe that is the point. Maybe I’ve spent so much time in the pages of my life trying to figure God out and figure out what He’s doing that I’ve missed something much larger entirely.

What if instead of trying to figure out what I should be doing, what God’s plan is for my life, who I should date, what friends I should hang out with, or what career I should pursue, I just sought the face of God?

In the midst of these thoughts going crazy inside my head, God pointed me to His words in Jeremiah 29:11-13. He says, “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out–plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed. God’s Decree.”

Those words began to hit me like a ton of bricks. And then, I listened. And God spoke some powerful words into my life. Grab your coffee, lean in & hang on–what you’re about to read may get a little rocky, but trust me, the destination is worth it.

When God speaks, His words are life-giving. You can’t help but walk away changed in some form or capacity. Tonight, He began breathing words into the depths of my soul that needed to hear them the most:

I know what I’m doing and I’m not asking you to figure it out. I’m asking you to seek me. When you focus on everything else, there’s no way you can seek me–how could there be any room? Emily, I’ll say it again: I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING & I HAVE IT ALL PLANNED OUT. I haven’t asked you to discover those plans on your own. I’ve said one thing: seek me. In doing that, I’ve promised you a whole lot. Trust me. For I am good and I can be trusted.

God pointed me to Jeremiah 29 because He was speaking those words into my heart. He wasn’t just putting a random passage on my mind. He deliberately wanted me to read those verses. The very first part is what strikes me the hardest: I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out. So often, I think that God doesn’t know what He is doing. If He knew what He was doing, why would I be struggling? Why would there be tragedy in the world? But the reality of the matter is that He DOES know what He’s doing. He’s weaving a beautiful tapestry of one girl’s life into something much larger than I could try to dream up.

Letting go and letting God is more than a cliche. It’s choosing to seek Him, rather than the outcome. In the end, I don’t think all the answers matter anyways. I think the only thing that will matter when my life is said & done will be what my relationship with God looks like. And if I’m always focused on the future–the what and how–I’ll never be focused on the reason I’m here in the first place.

I think I’ve been trying to figure God out for far too long. I think it’s time to get to know Him. Intimately, deeply, passionately, and personally.

you can’t run when you’re holding suitcases

a love like water and chaos — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 04:15:00 +0000

Running with suitcases is, well…inconvenient, incomprehensible, and just plain dumb! They drag you down–almost making it impossible to finish the race. If I were to tote my backpack and duffel bag with me on my next 5K, I can promise you that I wouldn’t be finishing anywhere close to first. We weren’t created to run with baggage. We were hand-crafted to run free.

Dara Maclean’s song, “Suitcases,” beautifully depicts what a free life looks like….can you imagine what it’s like to be free?

✔ I wouldn’t compare myself to the girl next door, down the hallway, or in my study group. I would live boldly as the beautiful woman that God created me to be.

✔ I would forgive others when they hurt me, let me down, don’t reach my expectations, and violate my trust because Christ has forgiven me.

✔ I would let go of relationships that try to hold me back, or hinder me, from all that God has in store for me.

✔ Dreaming would be a daily habit….viewing no idea–large or small–as a waste of imagination or time.

✔ Life would be lived in moments. I wouldn’t rush from here to there, but I would literally stop to smell the roses and enjoy the journey.

✔ The statement that God is good & He can be trusted would be a reality, rather than just a truth in my head.

✔ Time with God wouldn’t be a chore or something to check off my to-do list. It would be the life-giving energy needed to thrive in and throughout my day.

You can’t run when you’re holding suitcases. Yes, it’s a new day, throw away your mistakes and open up your heart, lay down your guard. You don’t have to be afraid. Just breathe, your load can be lifted. There’s a better way when you know you’re forgiven. Open up your heart, lay down your guard. You don’t have to be afraid.

What Dara has discovered is that letting go of our suitcases requires vulnerability…and honestly, what’s the reason we carry those suitcases in the first place? We don’t want to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is what gave us those suitcases in the first place. I was vulnerable with a friend and they took advantage of me; now I have baggage. I was vulnerable in that dream and my ideas were shot down; now I have baggage. I was vulnerable with that boy and told him how I felt, only to be left alone; now I have baggage.

Baggage hurts, yet we feel safe holding it close because it gives us this false sense of control–even though it is the complete opposite. Holding onto baggage gives us far less control than we believe it does. Gripping onto our baggage enslaves us and hinders us from living the life God desires us to live.

So how do we just drop our bags and run on? Honestly, I don’t think I can give you a magical five-step solution. It really comes down to one thing: how much are you willing to trust God? I know as a fact that when I choose to trust God, it’s impossible for me to hold onto my suitcases. When I TRUST HIM, I’m not comparing myself to others. When I TRUST HIM, I extend grace towards those who hurt me. When I TRUST HIM, I don’t pursue relationships that don’t point me straight back to Him. When I TRUST HIM, dreaming big is like second-nature to me. When I TRUST HIM, the little moments have the biggest impact on my days. When I TRUST HIM, time with Him is coveted.

Freedom then, is all a matter of trust…and who I choose to put that trust in. I can either choose to be free from the baggage weighing me down by TRUSTING in a God that is epically good; or, I can choose to be free from the life that God has planned for me–the life I dream about–by TRUSTING in myself and holding onto my suitcases.